Gilbert and Sullivan Archive

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

A Tragic Episode, in Three Tabloids, founded on an Old Danish Legend

by W. S. Gilbert

FIRST TABLEAU

Interior of KING CLAUDIUS' palace. CLAUDIUS discovered seated in a gloomy attitude. QUEEN GERTRUDE on a stool at his feet, consoling him.

QUEEN

CLAUDIUS

Nay, be not sad, my lord!

	Sad, loved Queen?

If by an effort of the will I could

Annul the ever-present Past -- disperse

The gaunt and gloomy ghosts of bygone deeds,

Or bind them with imperishable chains

In caverns of the past incarcerate,

Then could I smile again -- but not till then!

QUEEN

Oh, my dear lord!

If aught there be that gives thy soul unrest,

CLAUDIUS

Tell it to me.

	Well loved and faithful wife,

Tender companion of my faltering life,

Yes, I can trust thee! Listen, then, to me:

Many years since -- when but a headstrong lad --

QUEEN (Interested)

I wrote a five-act tragedy.

	Indeed?

CLAUDIUS

QUEEN

A play, writ by a king --

	And such a King!

CLAUDIUS

Finds ready market. It was read at once,

But ere 'twas read, accepted. Then the Press

Teemed with porpentous import. Elsinore

Was duly placarded by willing hands;

We know that walls have ears -- I gave them tongues --

And they were eloquent with promises.

The day approached -- all Denmark stood agape.

Arrangements were devised at once by which

Seats might be booked a twelvemonth in advance.

QUEEN

The first night came.

	And did the play succeed?

CLAUDIUS

QUEEN

In one sense, yes.

	Oh, I was sure of it!

CLAUDIUS

A farce was given to play the people in --

My tragedy succeeded that. That's all!

QUEEN

CLAUDIUS

And how long did it run?

	About ten minutes.

Ere the first act had traced one-half its course

The curtain fell, never to rise again!

QUEEN

CLAUDIUS

And did the people hiss?

	No -- worse than that --

They laughed. Sick with the shame that covered me,

I knelt down, palsied, in my private box,

And prayed the hearsed and catacombed dead

Might quit their vaults and claim me for their own!

QUEEN

Was it, my lord, so very, very bad?

CLAUDIUS

Not to deceive my trusting Queen, it was.

QUEEN

And when the play failed, didst thou take no steps

CLAUDIUS

To set thyself right with the world?

	I did.

The acts were five -- though by five acts too long,

I wrote an Act by way of epilogue --

An act by which the penalty of death

Was meted out to all who sneered at it.

The play was not good -- but the punishment

Of those that laughed at it was capital.

QUEEN

Think on't no more, my lord. Now mark me well:

To cheer our son, whose solitary tastes

And tendency to long soliloquy

Have much alarmed us, I, unknown to thee,

Have sent for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern --

Two merry knaves, kin to Polonius,

Who will devise such revels in our Court --

Such antic schemes of harmless merriment --

As shall abstract his meditative mind

From sad employment. Claudius, who can tell

But that they may divert my lord as well?

Enter GUILDENSTERN.

GUILDENSTERN

Ah, they are here!




	My homage to the Queen!

Enter ROSENCRANTZ.

ROSENCRANTZ (Kneeling)

In hot obedience to the Royal 'hest

We have arrived, prepared to do our best.

QUEEN

We welcome you to Court. Our Chamberlain

Shall see that you are suitably deposed.

Here is his daughter. She will hear your will

And see that it receives fair countenance.

Exeunt KING and QUEEN, lovingly. Enter OPHELIA.

ROSENCRANTZ

OPHELIA (Delighted and surprised)

Ophelia!	*(Both embrace her)*

	Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!

This meeting likes me much. We have not met

ROSENCRANTZ

Since we were babies!

	The Queen hath summoned us,

And I have come in a half-hearted hope

That I may claim once more my baby-love!

OPHELIA

ROSENCRANTZ

Alas, I am betrothed!

	Betrothed? To whom?

OPHELIA

ROSENCRANTZ

To Hamlet!

	Oh, incomprehensible!

OPHELIA (Demurely)

Thou lovest Hamlet?

	Nay, I said not so--

GUILDENSTERN

I said we were betrothed.

	And what's he like?

OPHELIA

Alike for no two seasons at a time.

Sometimes he's tall -- sometimes he's very short --

Now with black hair -- now with a flaxen wig --

Sometimes with an English accent -- then a French --

Then English with a strong provincial "burr."

Once an American, and once a Jew --

But Danish never, take him how you will!

And strange to say, whate'er his tongue may be,

Whether he's dark or flaxen -- English -- French --

Though we're in Denmark, A.D. ten-six-two--

He always dresses as King James the First!

GUILDENSTERN

OPHELIA

Oh, he is surely mad!

	Well, there again

Opinion is divided. Some men hold

That he's the sanest, far, of all sane men --

Some that he's really sane, but shamming mad --

Some that he's really mad, but shamming sane --

Some that he will be mad, some that he was

Some that he couldn't be. But on the whole

(As far as I can make out what they mean)

The favourite theory's somewhat like this:

Hamlet is idiotically sane
With lucid intervals of lunacy

ROSENCRANTZ

We must devise some plan to stop this match!

GUILDENSTERN

Stay! Many years ago, King Claudius

Was guilty of a five act tragedy.

The play was damned, and none may mention it

Under the pain of death. We might contrive

To make him play this piece before the King,

ROSENCRANTZ

And take the consequence.

	Impossible!

OPHELIA

For every copy was destroyed.

	But one --

ROSENCRANTZ

OPHELIA

My father's!

	Eh?

		In his capacity

As our Lord Chamberlain^* he has one copy. I

This night, when all the Court is drowned in sleep,

Will creep with stealthy foot into his den

And there abstract the precious manuscript!

^(ALL bow reverentially at mention of this functionary)*

GUILDENSTERN

The plan is well conceived! But take good heed,

OPHELIA

Your father may detect you.

	Oh dear, no.

My father spends his long official days

In reading all the rubbishing new plays.

From ten to four at work he may be found:

And then -- my father sleeps exceeding sound!

(Picture. OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN, grouped.)

SECOND TABLEAU

Enter QUEEN, meeting ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.

QUEEN

Have you as yet planned aught that may relieve

Our poor afflicted son's despondency?

ROSENCRANTZ

Madam, we've lost no time. Already we

Are getting up some Court theatricals

In which the prince will play a leading part.

QUEEN

That's well-bethought -- it will divert his mind.

ROSENCRANTZ

But soft -- he comes.

	How gloomily he stalks,

Starts -- looks around -- then, as if reassured,

Rumples his hair and rolls his glassy eyes!

QUEEN (Appalled)

That means -- he's going to soliloquize!

Prevent this, gentlemen, by any means!

GUILDENSTERN

QUEEN

We will, but how?

	Anticipate his points,

And follow out his argument for him;

Thus will you cut the ground from 'neath his feet

ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN

And leave him naught to say.

	We will! We will! *(They kneel)*

QUEEN

A mother's blessing be upon you, sirs! (Exit)

ROSENCRANTZ (Both rising)

Now, Guildenstern, apply thee to this task.

Music. Enter HAMLET. He stalks to chair, throws himself into it.

HAMLET

ROSENCRANTZ

To be -- or not to be!

	Yes, that's the question --

Whether he's bravest who will cut his throat

GUILDENSTERN

Rather than suffer all --

	Or suffer all

Rather than cut his throat?

HAMLET (Annoyed at interruption, says, "Go away -- go away," then resumes)

To die -- to sleep --

ROSENCRANTZ

It's nothing more -- Death is but sleep spun out --

(ROSENCRANTZ offers him a dagger)

GUILDENSTERN

Why hesitate?



	The only question is

Between the choice of deaths, which death to choose.

(GUILDENSTERN offers a revolver)

HAMLET (In great terror)

Do take those dreadful things away. They make

My blood run cold. Go away -- go away!

They turn aside. HAMLET continues.

ROSENCRANTZ

To sleep, perchance to --

	Dream.

That's very true. I never dream myself.

But Guildenstern dreams all night long out loud.

GUILDENSTERN (Coming down and kneeling)

With blushes, sir, I do confess it true!

HAMLET

This question, gentlemen, concerns me not.

(Resumes) For who would bear the whips and scorns of time --

ROSENCRANTZ (As if guessing a riddle)

Who'd bear the whips and scorns? Now let me see.

GUILDENSTERN (Same business)

Who'd bear them, eh?

	Who'd bear the scorns of time?

ROSENCRANTZ (Correcting him)

GUILDENSTERN

The whips and scorns

	The whips and scorns, of course.

(HAMLET about to protest) (GUILDENSTERN continues)

Don't tell us -- let us guess -- the whips of time?

HAMLET

Oh, sirs, this interruption likes us not.

ROSENCRANTZ

I pray you give it up.

	My lord, we do

We cannot tell who bears those whips and scorns.

HAMLET (Not heeding them, resumes)

But that the dread of something after death --

ROSENCRANTZ

That's true -- post mortem and the coroner --

Felo-de-se -- cross roads at twelve p.m. --

And then the forfeited life policy --

HAMLET (really angry)

Exceedingly unpleasant.

	Gentlemen,

It must be patent to the merest dunce

Three persons can't soliloquize at once!

HAMLET retires and throws himself on dais, as if buried in soliloquy. Enter OPHELIA, white with terror, holding a heavy manuscript.

OPHELIA

ROSENCRANTZ

OPHELIA (In stage whisper)

Rosencrantz!

	Well?

		I've found the manuscript,

But never put me to such work again!

ROSENCRANTZ

Why, what has happened that you tremble so?

OPHELIA

Last night I stole down from my room alone

And sought my father's den. I entered it!

The clock struck twelve, and then -- oh, horrible!

From chest and cabinet there issued forth

The mouldy spectres of five thousand plays,

All dead and gone -- and many of them damned!

I shook with horror! They encompassed me,

Chattering forth the scenes and parts of scenes

Which my poor father wisely had cut out.

Oh, horrible -- oh, 'twas most horrible! (Covering her face)

ROSENCRANTZ

OPHELIA (Severely)

What was't they uttered?

	I decline to say.

The more I heard the more convinced was I

My father acted most judiciously;

ROSENCRANTZ

Let that suffice thee.

	Give me, then, the play,

OPHELIA (Crossing to him)

And I'll submit it to the Prince.

	But stay,

Do not appear to urge him -- hold him back,

Or he'll decline to play the piece -- I know him.

HAMLET

Why what's that? (Rises and comes down.)

GUILDENSTERN

We have been looking through some dozen plays

To find one suited to our company.

This is, my lord, a five-act tragedy.

'Tis called "Gonzago" -- but it will not serve --

HAMLET

'Tis very long.

	Is there a part for me?

OPHELIA

There is, my lord, a most important part --

A mad Archbishop who becomes a Jew

HAMLET

To spite his diocese.

	That's very good!

ROSENCRANTZ (Turning over the pages)

Here you go mad -- and then soliloquize;

Here you are the same again -- and then you don't;

Then, later on, you stab your aunt, because --

Well, I can't tell you why you stab your aunt,

HAMLET

But still -- you stab her.

	That is quite enough.

ROSENCRANTZ

Then you become the leader of a troop

Of Greek banditti -- and soliloquize --

After a long and undisturbed career

Of murder (tempered by soliloquy)

You see the sin and folly of your ways

And offer to resume your diocese;

But, just too late -- for, terrible to tell,

As you're repenting (in soliloquy)

The Bench of Bishops seize you unawares

And blow you from a gun!

During this HAMLET has acted in pantimome the scenes described

HAMLET (Excitedly)

That's excellent.

That's very good indeed -- we'll play this piece!

(Taking manuscript from ROSENCRANTZ)

OPHELIA

But, pray consider -- all the other parts

HAMLET

Are insignificant.

	What matters that?

ROSENCRANTZ

We'll play this piece.

	The plot's impossible,

And all the dialogue bombastic stuff.

HAMLET

I tell you, sir, that we will play this piece.

Bestir yourselves about it, and engage

All the most fairly famed tragedians

To play the small parts -- as tragedians should.

A mad Archbishop! Yes, that's very good!

(Picture. HAMLET, reading the ms. with limelight on him. ROSENCRANTZ at entrance, OPHELIA at entrance.)

THIRD TABLEAU

March. Enter procession.

The KING sits, the QUEEN on his left, OPHELIA on his right, ROSENCRANTZ stands above her, GUILDENSTERN and POLONIUS behind the KING and QUEEN; the COURTIERS right and left.

QUEEN

A fair good morrow to you, Rosencrantz.

How march the Royal revels?

ROSENCRANTZ

Lamely, madam, lamely, like a one-legged duck. The Prince

has discovered a strange play. He hath called it, "A

right Reckoning Long Delayed."

CLAUDIUS

And of what fashion is the Prince's play?

ROSENCRANTZ

'Tis an excellent poor tragedy, my lord -- a thing of

shreds and patches welded into a form that hath mass

without consistency, like an ill-built villa.

QUEEN

But sir, you should have used your best endeavours

To wean his phantasy from such a play.

ROSENCRANTZ

Madam, I did, and with some success, for he now seeth the

absurdity of its tragical catastrophes, and laughs at it

as freely as we do. So, albeit, the poor author had

hoped to have drawn tears of sympathy, the Prince has

resolved to present it as a piece of pompous folly

intended to excite no loftier emotion than laughter and

surprise. Here comes the Royal Tragedian with his troop.

Enter HAMLET and PLAYERS

HAMLET

Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players. They have

come to town to do honour and add completeness to our revels.

CLAUDIUS

Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore.

Prepare you now -- we are agog to taste

This intellectual treat in store for us.

HAMLET

We are ready, sir. But, before we begin, I would speak a

word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen

this play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well-

esteemed friends, who were for playing a piece with less

bombastic fury and more frolic. (Addresses KING)

But I have thought this a fit play to be presented by

reason of that very pedantical bombast and windy

obtrusive rhetorick that they do rightly despise. For

I hold that there is no such antick fellow as your

bombastical hero who doth so earnestly spout forth

his folly as to make his hearers believe that he in unconscious

of all incongruity; whereas, he who doth so mark, label,

and underscore his antick speeches as to show that he

is alive to their absurdity seemeth to utter them under

protest, and to take part with his audience against

himself. (Turning to PLAYERS) For which reason, I pray

you, let there be no huge red noses, nor extravagant

monstrous wigs, nor coarse men garbed as women, in this

comi-tragedy; for such things are as much as to say,

"I am a comick fellow -- I pray you laugh at me, and hold

what I say to be cleverly ridiculous." Such labelling of

humour is an impertinence to your audience, for it seemeth

to imply that they are unable to recognize a joke unless

it be pointed out to them. I pray you avoid it.

Slight applause which HAMLET acknowledges

FIRST PLAYER

Sir, we are beholden to you for your good counsels. But

we would urge upon your consideration that we are

accomplished players, who have spent many years in learning

our profession; and we would venture to suggest that

it would better befit your lordship to confine yourself

to such matters as your lordship may be likely to

understand. We, on our part, may have our own ideas

as to the duties of heirs-apparent; but it would ill

become us to air them before your lordship, who may be

resonably supposed to understand such matters more

perfectly than your very humble servants.

ALL applaud vigorously. HAMLET about to explode in anger. KING interrupts him. HAMLET thinks better of it and angrily beckons PLAYERS to follow him. He and they exeunt.

CLAUDIUS

Come, let us take our places. Gather round

That all may see this fooling. Here's a chair

In which I shall find room to roll about

When laughter takes possession of my soul.

Now we are ready.

Enter on platform a loving couple. Applause.

SHE

Shouldst thou prove faithless?

	If I do

Then let the world forget to woo (Kneeling)

The mountaintops bow down in fears,

The midday sun dissolve in tears,

And outraged nature, pale and bent,

Fall prostrate in bewilderment!

ALL titter through this -- breaking into a laugh at the end, the KING enjoying it more than anyone.

OPHELIA

Truly, sir, I hope he will prove faithful, lest

we should all be involved in this catastrophe!

CLAUDIUS (Laughing)

Much, indeed, depends upon his constancy. I am

sure he hath all our prayers, gentlemen!

(To ROSENCRANTZ) Is this play well known?

ROSENCRANTZ (Advancing)

It is not, my lord. (Turns back to OPHELIA)

CLAUDIUS

Ha! I seem to have met with these lines before. Go on.

SHE

Hark, dost thou hear those trumpets and those drums?

Thy hated rival, stern Gonzago, comes!

Exeunt loving COUPLE. Laughter, as before.

QUEEN

And wherefore cometh Gonzago?

ROSENCRANTZ

He cometh here to woo!

QUEEN

Cannot he woo without an orchestra at his elbow? A fico

for such wooing, say I!

CLAUDIUS (Rather alarmed, aside to ROSENCRANTZ) Who is Gonzago?

ROSENCRANTZ

He's a mad Archbishop of Elsinore. 'Tis a most

ridiculous and mirthful character -- and the more so for

that the poor author had hoped to have appalled you

with his tragical end.

ROSENCRANTZ returns to OPHELIA. During this, the KING has shown that he has recognized his tragedy. He is horrified at discovery.

Enter HAMLET as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. ALL laugh and applaud except the KING, who is miserable.

HAMLET

Free from the cares of Church and State,

I come to wreak my love and hate.

Love whirls me to the lofty skies --

Hate drags me where dark Pluto lies!

ALL laugh except KING.

QUEEN

Marry, but he must have a nice time of it between them!

Oh, sir, this passeth the bounds of ridicule, and to think

that these lines were to have drawn our tears!

OPHELIA

Truly, mine eyes run with tears, but they are begotten

of laughter.

HAMLET

Gently, gently. Spare your ridicule, lest you have

none left for the later scenes. The tragedy is full of

such windy fooling. You shall hear more anon. There

are five acts of this!

ALL groan. HAMLET resumes.

For two great ends I daily fume --

The altar and the deadly tomb.

How can I live in such a state

And hold my Arch-Episcopate?

ROSENCRANTZ (Exhausted with laughter) Oh, my lord -- I pray you end this,

or I shall die with laughter!

QUEEN (Ditto)

Did mortal ever hear such metrical folly! Stop it,

my good lord, or I shall assuredly do myself some injury.

OPHELIA (Ditto)

Oh, sir, prythee have mercy on us -- we have laughed till

we can laugh no more!

HAMLET

The drollest scene is coming now. Listen.

CLAUDIUS (Rises)

(ALL start.)

Stop!


	Stop, I say -- cast off those mummeries!

HAMLET (Takes off robes)

Come hither, Hamlet!

	Why, what ails you, sir?

CLAUDIUS (With suppressed fury)

HAMLET

Knowst thou who wrote this play?

	Not I, indeed

CLAUDIUS

Nor do I care to know!

	I wrote this play --

To mention it is death, by Denmark's law!

QUEEN (Kneeling)

Oh, spare him, for he is mine only child!

CLAUDIUS

Both shall together perish!

CLAUDIUS draw dagger. QUEEN endeavours to restrain him.

HAMLET (On his knees)

Hold thine hand!

I can't bear death -- I'm a philosopher!

CLAUDIUS

That's true. But how shall we dispose of him?

ALL puzzled.

OPHELIA (Suddenly)

A thought!

There is a certain isle beyond the sea

Where dwell a cultured race -- compared with whom

We are but poor brain-blind barbarians;

'Tis known as Engle-land. Oh, send him there!

If but the half of what I've heard of them be true

They will enshrine him on their great good hearts,

And men will rise or sink in good esteem

According as they worship him, or slight him!

CLAUDIUS

Well, we're dull dogs in Denmark. It may be

That we've misjudged him. If such a race there be --

(There may be -- I am not a well-read man)

They're welcome to his philosophic brain --

So, Hamlet, get thee gone -- and don't come back again!

CLAUDIUS crosses to right. HAMLET, who is delighted at the suggestion, crosses to QUEEN and embraces her. He then embraces OPHELIA, who receives his kiss with marked coldness. Then he turns up onto platform and strikes an attitude, exclaiming, "To Engle-land!" At the same moment, ROSENCRANTZ embraces OPHELIA. Picture.

CURTAIN

Contributed to the Gilbert and Sullivan Archive by David Jedlinsky.

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Page created 2 May 1998

Gilbert and Sullivan Archive

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

by W. S. Gilbert

FIRST TABLEAU

Interior of KING CLAUDIUS' palace. CLAUDIUS discovered seated in a gloomy attitude. QUEEN GERTRUDE on a stool at his feet, consoling him.

Enter GUILDENSTERN.

Enter ROSENCRANTZ.

Exeunt KING and QUEEN, lovingly. Enter OPHELIA.

*(ALL bow reverentially at mention of this functionary)

(Picture. OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN, grouped.)

SECOND TABLEAU

Enter QUEEN, meeting ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.

Music. Enter HAMLET. He stalks to chair, throws himself into it.

HAMLET retires and throws himself on dais, as if buried in soliloquy. Enter OPHELIA, white with terror, holding a heavy manuscript.

During this HAMLET has acted in pantimome the scenes described

(Taking manuscript from ROSENCRANTZ)

(Picture. HAMLET, reading the ms. with limelight on him. ROSENCRANTZ at entrance, OPHELIA at entrance.)

THIRD TABLEAU

March. Enter procession.

The KING sits, the QUEEN on his left, OPHELIA on his right, ROSENCRANTZ stands above her, GUILDENSTERN and POLONIUS behind the KING and QUEEN; the COURTIERS right and left.

Enter HAMLET and PLAYERS

Slight applause which HAMLET acknowledges

ALL applaud vigorously. HAMLET about to explode in anger. KING interrupts him. HAMLET thinks better of it and angrily beckons PLAYERS to follow him. He and they exeunt.

Enter on platform a loving couple. Applause.

ALL titter through this -- breaking into a laugh at the end, the KING enjoying it more than anyone.

Exeunt loving COUPLE. Laughter, as before.

ROSENCRANTZ returns to OPHELIA. During this, the KING has shown that he has recognized his tragedy. He is horrified at discovery.

Enter HAMLET as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. ALL laugh and applaud except the KING, who is miserable.

ALL laugh except KING.

ALL groan. HAMLET resumes.

CLAUDIUS draw dagger. QUEEN endeavours to restrain him.

ALL puzzled.

CURTAIN

^(ALL bow reverentially at mention of this functionary)*