The Martinet by W. S. Gilbert

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The Martinet

Fun, n.s. VIII - 13th Feb. 1869

Illustration by Gilbert

Some time ago, in simple verse,
	I sang the story true
Of CAPTAIN REECE, The Mantlepiece,
	And all her happy crew.

I showed how any captain may
	Attach his men to him,
If he but heeds their smallest needs,
	And studies every whim.

Now mark how, by Draconic rule
	And hauteur ill-advised,
The noblest crew upon the blue
	May be demoralised.

When his ungrateful country placed
	Kind REECE upon half-pay,
Without much claim SIR BERKELY came,
	And took command one day.

SIR BERKLEY was a martinet —
	A stern unyielding soul —
Who ruled his ship by dint of whip
	And horrible black-hole.

A sailor who was overcome
	From having freely dined,
And chanced to reel when at the wheel,
	He instantly confined!

And tars who, when an action raged,
	Appeared alarmed or scared,
And those below who wished to go,
	He very seldom spared.

E'en he who smote his officer
	For punishment was booked,
And mutinies upon the seas
	He rarely overlooked.

In short, the happy Mantelpiece
	Where all had gone so well,
Beneath that fool SIR BERKELY'S rule
	Became a floating hell.

When first SIR BERKELY came aboard
	He read a speech to all,
And told them how he'd made a vow
	To act on duty's call.

Then WILLIAM LEE he up and said
	(The captain's coxswain he):
"We've heard the speech your honour's made,
	And werry pleased we be.

"We won't pretend, my lad, as how
	We're glad to lose our REECE;
Urbane, polite, he suited quite
	The saucy Mantlepiece.

"But if your honour gives your mind
	To study all our ways,
With dance and song we'll jog along
	As in those happy days.

"I like your honour's looks, and feel
	You're worthly of your sword.
Your hand, my lad — I'm doosid glad
	To welcome you aboard!"

SIR BERKELY looked amazed, as though
	He did not understand.
"Don't shake your head," good WILLIAM said,
	"It is an honest hand.

"It's grasped a better hand than yourn--
	Come, gov'nor, I insist!"
The Captain stared — the coxswain glared —
	The hand became a fist!

Illustration by Gilbert

"Down, upstart!" said the hardy salt;
	But BERKELY dodged his aim,
And made him go in chains below:
	The seamen murmured "Shame!"

He stopped all songs at 12 P.M.,
	Stopped hornpipes when at sea,
And swore his cot (or bunk) should not
	Be used by aught than he.

He never joined their daily mess,
	Nor asked them to his own,
But chaffed in gay and social way
	The officers alone.

His first Lieutenant, PETER, was
	As useless as could be,
A helpless stick, and always sick
	When there was any sea.

This First Lieutenant proved to be
	His foster-sister MAY,
Who went to sea for love of he,
	In masculine array.

And when he learnt the curious fact,
	Did he emotion show,
Or dry her tears, or end her fears
	By marrying her? No!

Illustration by Gilbert

Or did he even try to soothe
	This maiden in her teens?
Oh no! — instead he made her wed
	The Sergeant of Marines!

Of course such Spartan discipline
	Would make an angel fret.
They drew a lot, and straightway shot
	This fearful martinet.

The Admiralty saw how ill
	They'd treated CAPTAIN REECE;
He was restored once more aboard
	The saucy Mantelpiece.

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