The Railway Guard's Song by W. S. Gilbert

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The Railway Guard's Song

Air, "Crescendo Galop"

Tom Hood's Comic Annual for 1868

Train is starting, people parting, hurry, scurry all around, People rushing, pushing, crushing-luggage somehow can't be found, Here's the wicket, show your ticket — in your pocket, I'll be bound;
	For they'd be knowing if you're going all along the line.
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		Counties right and left are flying, Whistle screaming, shrieking, crying, Engine puffing, blowing, sighing,
			Sighing all along the line!

Strange sensation passing station, through a tunnel then you go, Dashing, crashing, signal flashing, darkness all above, below, Flags unfurling, quickly whirling, rushing into daylight glow;
	With posts and wires, lamps and fires, all along the line.
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		Here we stop for ticket-showing, Engine off her steam is blowing, Get in, please, sir, if you're going,
			Going all along the line.

Gem'man beckons, ah, I reckons, he's been smoking up from town. Want a weed, sir? Oh, indeed, sir, carriage all the journey down. Fond of fees, sir? If you please, sir, thankee! (pocket half-a-crown)
	He'll smoke away, sir, I dare say, sir, all along the line!
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		Gent and engine both are smoking, Driver with a poker poking, Very grimy stoker stoking,
			Stoking all along the line.

Gent and lady (gent is shady — lady pretty, young, and fair), P'raps eloping — lady hoping they may be a happy pair; Secret marriage, want a carriage to themselves, well, get in there;
	A single tizzy! Gem'man, is he? Isn't one of mine!
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		With a dash and a rush and a crash and a crush,
			And a puff, puff, puff, puff, puff;
		Running off from her relations, Who will make investigations At a dozen score of stations,
			Stations all along the line!

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