The Wise Policeman by W. S. Gilbert

You are here: Archive Home > Bab Ballads > The Wise Policeman

The Wise Policeman

Fun, XII - 22nd October 1870

No Don Giovanni, sparrow-brained,
	Policeman ARTHUR KERR:
A steady, subtle, self-contained,
	Experienced officer.

So deep his schemes, to many a muff
	They seemed disgraceful quite;
But if you left him long enough,
	They always turned out right.

Now here's a case in point. One night
	He gallantly addressed
A good plain cook, who met his sight
	In Piccadilly, West.

Illustration by Gilbert

"Oh, good plain cook, I like your heyes,
	They speak of health and truth —
They're bright and they are blue, likewise!"
	(Which was, indeed, the truth.)

"Why roam you forth alone so late?
	It's nearly half-past ten —
Why leave the silver and the plate
	To bad burglarious men?"

"To some theayter," said the maid,
	"The family have flown,
And I began to feel afraid
	At being left alone!"

The wise policeman did not chaff
	The maiden's idle fear,
But dried with his official staff
	An unofficial tear.

"Be mine the task to set that right!
	It were indeed foul scorn
To leave a maid alone at night,
	Defenceless and forlorn!

"Be mine, young EMMA, to instil
	The confidence you lack;
Be mine to comfort you, until
	The family comes back!"

With gratitude the maiden smiled,
	The door she let him through,
An hour or two away they wiled
	With joyous Irish stew.

A family I never knew
	That gadded so about-
To dinner and to playhouse, too,
	They every night went out;

And every night poor EMMA, she
	Shed lonely frightened tears,
And every night wise ARTHUR, he
	Came in to calm her fears.

For many a week and month, I know,
	She let wise ARTHUR through,
And fed him daintily below
	On joyous Irish stew.

At first I own I used to blame
	Policeman ARTHUR KERR,
But then I did not know the game
	Of that wise officer.

Illustration by Gilbert

One night when, comfortably hived,
	He sat alone with EM,
Her mistress unannounced arrived,
	And there confronted them.

"Now, ma'am," said ARTHUR KERR, "to you
	This gal I do denounce,
On maids who steal the Irish stew
	The law at last will pounce!

"I long have thought she gave away
	Her kind employers' food,
And to detect her wicked play,
	This servant maid I woo'd.

"For many a week and month likewise
	I come down here to eat,
And only wanted witness eyes
	To make my case complete!

"The p'liceman's unsupported word
	The beaks begin to doubt;
But wot you've seen and wot you've heard
	Will bear my statement out."

They took young EMMA off to jail,
	To MR. KNOX, amain,
And nothing in the shape of bail
	That beak would entertain.

Illustration by Gilbert

That beak he fully did commit
	The maid for stealing food
(What "fully" means in legal writ
	I never understood).

She got twelve months, the wretched drudge,
	While wise Policeman KERR
Was complimented by the judge:
	Experienced officer!

He was promoted in the force
	For spotting that young gal
(The picture showing this, of course,
	Is allegorical).

Archive Home | W. S. Gilbert | Bab Ballads

Page Created 30 July, 2011