Dialogue following No. 11

GRYPHON. It is time for the trial.

ALICE. What trial.

MOCK. The trial of the Knave of Hearts.

MIDI file

Trumpets and March music. Enter KING and QUEEN of Hearts, Court Cards, &c. WHITE RABBIT attired as Herald. KNAVE in chains guarded by soldiers.

KING. Herald, read the accusation.

WHITE RABBIT blows three blasts on trumpet, unrolls a scroll, and reads.

RABBIT. The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts All on a summer day, The knave of Hearts he stole those tarts And took them quite away.

KING. Call the first witness.

RABBIT (blows trumpet). First witness.

Enter HATTER with teacup, and bread and butter. Also MARCH HARE and DORMOUSE arm in arm.

HATTER. I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for.

KING. You ought to have finished. When did you begin?

HATTER. Fourteenth of March I think it was.

KING. Take off your hat.

HATTER. It isn’t mine.

KING. Stolen!

HATTER. I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.

QUEEN puts on spectacles and glares at him and he fidgets.

KING. Give your evidence and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot.

HATTER fidgets and bites a piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter.

QUEEN. Bring me the list of singers at the last concert.

HATTER trembles so that he shakes his shoes off.

KING. Give your evidence or I’ll have you executed whether you’re nervous or not.

HATTER. I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn’t begun my tea - not above a week or so, and what with the bread and butter getting so thin, and the twinkling of the tea -

KING. The twinkling of the what?

HATTER. It began with the tea.

KING. Of course twinking [sic] begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on.

HATTER. I’m a poor man and most things twinkled after that - only the March Hare said -

HARE. I didn’t!

HATTER. You did!

HARE. I deny it!

KING. He denies it, leave out that part!

HATTER. Well at any rate the Dormouse said -

DORMOUSE. I didn’t.

HATTER. You did!

DORMOUSE. I deny it!

HATTER. And after that I cut some more bread and butter.

KING. But what did the Dormouse say?

HATTER. That I can’t remember.

KING. You must remember or I’ll have you executed!

HATTER drops teacup, and bread and butter, and goes on his knees

HATTER. I’m a poor man, your Majesty.

KING. You’re a very poor speaker! (applause in Court) and if that’s all you know about it you may stand down.

HATTER. I can’t go no lower. I’m on the floor as it is.

KING. Then you may sit down!

HATTER. I’d rather finish my tea.

KING. You may go – (HATTER rushes out)

QUEEN. And just take his head off outside?

KING. Call the next witness!

Enter the Duchess’s COOK with pepper pot - one or two sneezes heard near her

KING. Be good enough to take the time from me. Now all together. (All sneeze. To COOK) Give your evidence.

COOK. Shan’t!

KING. What are these tarts made of?

COOK. Pepper mostly.

DORMOUSE. Treacle!

QUEEN. Collar that Dormouse! Behead that Dormpise! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!

COOK stands back.

KING. Next witness?

RABBIT (blows trumpet). Alice!

KING. What do you know about this business?

ALICE. Nothing!

KING. Nothing whatever?

ALICE. Nothing whatever!

KING. That’s very important! In that case consider your verdict.

QUEEN. No no, sentence first, verdict afterwards.

ALICE. Stuff and nonsense.

QUEEN. Hold your tongue.

ALICE. I won’t.

QUEEN. Off with her head.

ALICE. Who cares for you! My verdict is “Not Guilty, but the Knave mustn’t steal the tarts again.”

ALL. Not guilty! Hurrah!