Dialogue following No. 17

ALICE. I like the Walrus best, because you see he was a little sorry for the poor oysters.

DEE. He ate more than the carpenter though. You see he held his handkerchief in front so that the carpenter couldn’t count how many he took. Contrariwise!

ALICE. That was mean, then I like the Carpenter best - if he didn’t eat so many as the Walrus.

DUM. But he ate as many as he could get.

ALICE (lights rather down). It’s getting dark! Do you think it’s going to rain?

TwEEDLEDUM spreads a large umbrella over himself and brother.

DUM. No! I don’t think it is, at least, not under here! Nohow!

ALICE. But it may outside!

DEE. It may if it chooses, we’ve no objection. Contrariwise.

ALICE. Selfish things! I shall say good-bye.

Turns to go when TWEEDLEDUM rushes from under umbrella and seizes her by the wrist

DUM (in a rage - pointing to small white rattle under tree). Do you see that?

ALICE. It’s only a rattle - not a rattle-snake, you know - only an old rattle, quite old and broken.

DUM (dancing about in a rage, tearing his hair, &c). I knew it was, it’s spoilt of course.

ALICE. You needn’t be so angry about an old rattle.

DUM. But it isn’t old! It’s new, I tell you! I bought it yesterday. (screaming) My nice new rattle!

During this TWEEDLEDEE tries to fold himself up in the umbrella with only his head out, in a fright

DUM (to DEE). Of course you agree to have a battle!

DEE (sulkily, crawling out of umbrella) I suppose so; only she must help us to dress up, you know.

They run off at opposite sides and bring on bolsters, blankets, hearthrugs, and coalscuttles

DUM. I hope you’re a good hand at pinning and tying strings. Every one of these things has got to go on somehow or other!

They bustle about and dress up, ALICE helping them.

ALICE (aside). Really they ‘ll be more like bundles of old clothes by the time they’re ready.

DEE. Now for the bolster to keep my head from being cut off! (ALICE ties it on) You know it’s one of the most serious things that can possiblyy happen to one in a battle - to get one’s head cut off!

DEE (coming up to her to have a coalscuttle tied on). Do I look very pale?

ALICE. Well - yes - a little.

DUM. I’m very brave generally, only to-day I happen to have a headache!

DEE. And I’ve got a toothache, I’m far worse than you!

ALICE. Then you’d better not fight to-day!

DUM. We must have a bit of a fight, but I don’t care about going on long! What’s the time now?

DEE. Half past four.

DUM. Let’s fight till six and then have dinner!

DEE. Very well, and she can watch us, only you’d better not come very close, I generally hit everything I can see when I get really excited.

DUM. And I hit everything within reach whether I see it or not!

ALICE (laughing). You must hit the trees pretty often I should think.

DUM. I don’t suppose there’ll be a tree left standing for ver so far round by the time we’ve finished.

ALICE. And all about a rattle.

DUM. I shouldn’t have minded it so much if it hadn’t been a new one.

ALICE (aside). I wish the monstrous crow would come.

DUM (to his brother). There’s only one sword (takes up wooden toy sword) but you can have the umbrella. It’s quite as sharp. (Stage darker) Only we must begin quick. It’s getting as dark as it can.

They fence up to each other

DEE. And darker.

ALICE. What a thick black cloud that is, and how fast it comes! why I do believe it’s got wings.

DUM. It’s the crow!

Both rush off frantically. Stage light again, WHITE QUEEN’s shawl flies across to ALICE who catches it

ALICE. Dear me. Here’s somebody’s shawl being blown away.

Enter WHITE QUEEN and ALICE puts the shawl on.

ALICE. Am I addressing the White Queen?

WHITE QUEEN. Well yes; if you call that a-dressing. It isn’t my notion of the thing at all.

ALICE. If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I’ll do it as well as I can.

WHITE QUEEN. But I don’t want it done at all, I’ve been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.

ALICE (aside). Every single thing’s crooked and she’s all over pins. (aloud) May I put your shawl straight for you?

WHITE QUEEN. I don’t know what’s the matter with it. It’s out of temper, I think. I’ve pinned it here and pinned it there, but there’s no pleasing it.

ALICE (putting the QUEEN to rights). Come, you look rather better now, but really you should have a lady’s-maid.

WHITE QUEEN. I’m sure I’ll take you with pleasure. Two-pence a week and jam every other day.

ALICE (laughing). I don’t want you to hire me, and I don’t care for jam.

WHITE QUEEN. It’s very good jam.

ALICE. Well I don’t want any to-day at any rate.

WHITE QUEEN. You couldn’t have it if you did want it. The rule is jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam to-day.

ALICE. It must sometimes come to jam to-day.

WHITE QUEEN. No it can’t! It’s jam every other day, and to-day isn’t any other day, you know.

ALICE. I don’t understand you! It’s dreadfully confusing!

WHITE QUEEN. That’s the effect of living backwards! It always makes me a little giddy at first.

ALICE. Living backwards - I never heard of such a thing!

WHITE QUEEN. But there’s one great advantage in it, that one’s memory works both ways.

ALICE. I’m sure mine works only one way, I can’t remember things before they happen!

WHITE QUEEN. It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. Try the other way, sing “Humpty Dumpty” and you’ll see what will happen - ta-ta!

Exit WHITE QUEEN

ALICE. Sing “Humpy Dumpty”? I wonder what will happen!