Dialogue following No. 18

ALICE. Why, there he is I declare! And how exactly like an egg he is!

HUMPTY. It’s very provoking to be called an egg! Very!

ALICE. I said you looked like an egg, sir! And some eggs are very pretty you know.

HUMPTY. Some people have no more sense than a baby! What’s your name and business?

ALICE. My name is Alice!

HUMPTY. It’s a stupid name, what does it mean?

ALICE. Must a name mean something?

HUMPTY. Of course it must! my name means the shape I am, and a very handsome shape it is too! With a name like yours you might be any shape almost.

ALICE. Why do you sit out here all alone?

HUMPTY. Why, because there’s nobody with me! Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.

ALICE. Don’t you think you’d be safer down on the ground?

HUMPTY. What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don’t think so! Why if I ever did fall - which there’s no chance of - the King has promised me, with his very own mouth -

ALICE. To send all his horses and all his men.

HUMPTY. Now I declare that’s too bad, you’ve been listening at doors, and behind trees, and down chimneys, or you couldn’t have known it.

ALICE. I haven’t indeed! It’s in a book.

HUMPTY. Ah well! They may write such things in a book. That’s what you call a History of England that is! Now take a good look at me. I’m one who has spoken to a king, I am; mayhap you’ll never see such another; and to show I’m not proud, you may shake hands with me.

He shakes hands with ALICE

ALICE. What a beautiful belt you’ve got on!

HUMPTY (in a deep growl). It is a most provoking thing when a person does not know a cravat from a belt! It’s a cravat, child, and the White King and Queen gave it to me as an un-birthday present!

ALICE. I beg your pardon?

HUMPTY. I’m not offended!

ALICE. I mean, what is an un-birthday present?

HUMPTY. A present given when it isn’t your birthday, of course.

ALICE. I like birthday presents best!

HUMPTY. You don’t know what you’re talking about! How many days are there in a year?

ALICE. Three hundred and sixty-five.

HUMPTY. And how many birthdays have you?

ALICE. One.

HUMPTY. And if you take one from 365, what remains?

ALICE. 364, of course.

HUMPTY. Well, that shows that there are 364 days when you might get un-birthday present.s

ALICE. Certainly.

HUMPTY. And only one for birthday presents. That’s all, good-bye.

ALICE. Good-bye till we meet again.

HUMPTY. I shouldn’t know you again if we did meet, you’re so exactly like other people.

ALICE. The face is what one generally goes by.

HUMPTY. That’s just what I complain of. Your face is the same asa everybody has - the two eyes - so (marking the places in the air with his thumb), nose in the middle, mouth under. It’s always the same. Now if you had two eyes on the same side of the nose for instance - or the mouth at the top - that would be some help.

ALICE. It wouldn’t look nice.

HUMPTY. Wait till you’ve tried.

ALICE. Good-bye. (going off) Of all the unsatisfactory people I ever met!

Starts and runs off - for HUMPTY falls with a fearful crash off the wall. Enter all the king’s horses and all the king’s men.