Dialogue following No. 19

Enter RED KING and ALICE

RED KING. I’ve sent them all. I couldn’t send all the horses, you know, because they’re wanted; and I haven’t sent the two messengers. They’re both gone to the town. Just look along the road and tell me if you see either of them.

ALICE. I see nobody on the road.

RED KING. I only wish I had such eyes. To be able to see Nobody! And at that distance too, why it is as much as I can do to see real people.

ALICE (looking off). I see somebody now; but what curious attitudes!

RED KING. Not at all; He’s an Anglo-Saxon messenger and those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. (Enter Messenger) His name is Hare, and the other is Hatter. I must have two, you know; one to come and one to go.

ALICE. I beg your pardon!

RED KING. It isn’t respectable to beg.

ALICE. I only meant I didn’t understand.

RED KING. Didn’t I tell you I must have two; one to fetch and one to carry. (to Messenger) What’s the matter? you alarm me - I feel faint! Give me a ham sandwich. (Messenger hands one out of bag; KING eats it.) Another sandwich.

HARE. There’s nothing but hay left now.

RED KING. Hay then. (Hay is handed him and he munches it.) (to ALICE) There’s nothing like eating hay when you’re faint. (to Messenger) Who did you pass on the road?

HARE. Nobody!

RED KING. Quite right, this lady saw him too. So of course nobody walks slower than you.

HARE. I do my best. I’m sure nobody walks faster than I do.

RED KING. He can’t do that, or he’d have been here first. However, tell us what’s going to happen.

HARE. I’ll whisper it. (HARE makes a trumpet of his hands, and puts them to KING’s ear, then shouts loudly) They’re at it again.

RED KING (jumps). Do you call that a whisper? If you do such a thing again, I’ll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake.

ALICE. Who are at it again?

RED KING. Why the Lion and the Unicorn fighting for the Crown, and the best of the joke is that it’s my crown all the time! Here they come!

Enter LION and UNICORN fighting

UNICORN (to KING). I had the best of it that time.

RED KING. A little, a little!

UNICORN. Come fetch out the plum cake, old man, none of your brown bread for me. (HARE offers cake to LION, looking at KING) What a fight we must have for the crown now!

KING trembles

LION. I should win easy.

UNICORN. I’m not so sure of that.

LION. Why I beat you all round the town, you know. Didn’t I?

ALL. Yes! Yes!