Dialogue following No. 21

EDITORIAL NOTE: This section follows directly from “The Lion and the Unicorn”.

Exeunt all but ALICE

ALICE. If that doesn’t drum them out of town nothing ever will.

Enter WHITE KNIGHT brandishing club.

WHITE KNIGHT. Ahoy! Ahoy! Check! you’re my prisoner.

ALICE. I don’t want to be anybody’s prisoner. I want to be a Queen.

WHITE KNIGHT. So you shall presently. Now I’ll say good-bye! You’ll be a Queen presently.

ALICE. Good-bye. (Exit KNIGHT. She follows him off stage, returning at once with a crown on her head.) And now to be Queen. But what is this on my head? A golden crown! How can it have got there without my knowing it? (takes it off, sits down and examines it, and puts it on again) Well this is grand! (Struts up and down)

Enter RED and WHITE QUEENS

ALICE. If I really am a Queen I should be able to manage it quite well in time (to RED Q) Please would you tell me -

RED QUEEN. Speak when you’re spoken to.

ALICE. But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoken when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything.

RED QUEEN. Ridiculous! what right have you to call yourself a Queen? You can’t be a Queen till you’ve passed the proper examination. And the sooner we begin it the better.

WHITE QUEEN. Can you do addition? What’s one and one, and one and one, and one and one, and one and one, and one and one.

ALICE. I don’t know. I lost count.

RED QUEEN. She can’t do addition. Can you do subtraction - take nine from eight.

ALICE. Nine from eight I can’t, you know, but –

WHITE QUEEN. She can’t do subtraction. Can you do Division. Divide a loaf by a knife, what’s the answer to that.

ALICE. I suppose –

RED QUEEN. Bread and butter of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from the dog, what remains?

ALICE. The bone wouldn’t remain of course if I took it; and the dog wouldn’t remain, it would come to bite me; and I’m sure I shouldn’t remain.

RED QUEEN. Then you think nothing would remain.

ALICE. I think that’s the answer.

RED QUEEN. Wrong as usual. The dog’s temper would remain. The dog would lose its temper, wouldn’t it?

ALICE. Perhaps it would.

RED QUEEN. Then if the dog went away - its temper would remain.

ALICE. They might go different ways.

RED QUEEN. Of course you’ll invite us to your party to-night.

ALICE. I didn’t know I was to have a party at all.

RED QUEEN. Of course you are.

Grand procession for the feast - King’s men and chessmen. Trumpets sound.