Enter CAPTAIN BAPP and LEONORA.

Woodpecker. Who's this?

Bapp. This is the scoundrel's house, and (seeing WOODPECKER) this is the scoundrel!

Woodpecker. Confusion! It's the lady of the Leghorn hat and her military admirer!

Leonora. Dear Captain Bapp, be careful!

Bapp. Leonora, leave this to me. (To WOODPECKER.) Well, sir, suppose you offer this
lady a seat. (WOODPECKER gives LEONORA a chair, and is about to take another.) Don't sit down yourself, sir! How dare you attempt to sit down in this lady's presence? Now, sir, to business. You have grossly insulted this lady.

Woodpecker. How?

Bapp. In the first place, you devoured this lady's hat.

Woodpecker. Pardon me — my horse devoured her hat.

Bapp. A quibble sir; you are responsible for his actions. You devoured this lady's hat; and you then have the audacity to throw her this contemptible coin as compensation! (Showing WOODPECKER a shilling.)

Woodpecker. (aside). It was a shilling! I thought it was. (Aloud.) Sir, it was a mistake — allow me to rectify it. (Gives him a sovereign.)

Bapp. Fire and fury! What's this?

Woodpecker. That is a sovereign — or pound — for the hat.

Bapp. Insult upon insult! We have not come here for compensation.

Woodpecker. Then what the deuce have you come for?

Bapp. In the first place, an apology.

Leonora. No, no; I forgive him! Come away — it's not necessary.

Bapp. Leonora, will you leave this to me? Well, sir, the apology.

Woodpecker. Well, sir, I apologize.

Bapp. Unreservedly?

Woodpecker. Unreservedly. Now, what is the moral of all this, Leonora?

Leonora. Sir!

Bapp. By the God of War — !

Woodpecker. I call you Leonora because I don't know your other name. The moral of this is — if you will walk out in Hyde Park with surreptitious captains in the Army—

Leonora. Sir, you are in error. This gentleman is my cousin. We were brought up together.

Woodpecker. Oh, I see; he's your Foodle.

Bapp. This lady's what, sir?

Woodpecker. Her Foodle. I say you're her Foodle. You don't know what I mean; but you may depend upon it you are. I wish you'd go.

Bapp. Oh, but I haven't done yet. This hat, sir, is a present from the lady's husband.

Woodpecker. What! There's a husband, is there? Oh, Leonora, I should have expected this from Bapp, but I'm surprised at you.

Leonora. My husband is the most jealous man in the world, and if I go home without it, he'll kill me. There's only one thing to be done — you must get another exactly like it.

Woodpecker. With pleasure — to-morrow.

Bapp. To-morrow! And what's to become of the lady in the mean time?

Leonora. Oh, I'll remain here. (sits)

Woodpecker. Here! — in my house? On my wedding-day? Impossible!

Maguire. (without). Woodpecker!

Woodpecker. The wedding party has arrived, and do not suppose that that is the Bull of Bashan. No — it's my father-in-law elect! (Shouts.) Coming! (To LEONORA.) Stop — I see a way of doing it. I'll invent an excuse to call at the milliner's on the way to the registrar's, and tell her to send one here.

Maguire. (without). Woodpecker!

Woodpecker. Coming! (to BAPP.) Will that do?

Bapp. (to LEONORA.) Will that do?

Leonora. (to BAPP.) That will do.

Bapp. (to WOODPECKER.) That will do.

Maguire. (furiously). Woodpecker!

Woodpecker. He's coming up — he mustn't find you here. Go in there — quick! (Places BAPP in room R. and LEONORA in room L.) Just in time!

Music, "Haste to the Wedding." Enter the wedding party, composed of semi-grotesque
old-fashioned and countrified couples. They dance round the stage.
MARIA, in bridal dress, dances on with FOODLE, a loutish simpleton;
BOPADDY follows, and finally MAGUIRE in a towering rage.

Page modified 21 June 2010