Woodpecker. Here's a pleasant state of things! We shall be kicked out — given into custody — a honeymoon in Holloway Jail!

Enter MARCHIONESS still hopping.

Mrachioness. Well, have they brought you the hat?

Woodpecker. (trying to hide MAGUIRE). Not yet, my lady. If you would kindly ask them to hurry a little —

Marchioness. (seeing MAGUIRE). Who is this nobleman?

Woodpecker. That nobleman? Oh, this nobleman is a nobleman who always accompanies me — everywhere!

Marchioness. Your accompanist? Indeed, a good accompanist is invaluable. And you, sir, are also Italian?

Maguire. (also hopping sympathetically). I? Oh, I come from Pettytwiddllm.

Woodpecker. (hastily). Pettytwiddllm, a romantic village on the Abruzzi. His name is Magghia; he was formerly a brigand, but he's reclaimed. He's quite harmless.

Marchioness. A reclaimed brigand? How supremely interesting. Then, if everything is ready, my guests shall come in — they're dying to hear you. (To MAGUIRE.) Will you oblige me with your arm?

Maguire. (gives his arm to MARCHIONESS). More guests! What a wedding this is, to be sure! [ Exeunt, both hopping.]

Woodpecker. I'm going mad — I feel it! My reason totters on its throne!

Enter PATTY with band-box.

Patty. Here's the straw hat!

Woodpecker. The straw hat! Hurrah! Saved — saved! Take this sixpence — and be happy. (Opens band-box and takes out a black straw hat.) A black straw! Positively a black straw! Come here, miss; there's some mistake. I want a Leghorn hat, trimmed with a parrot's head, an armadillo's claw, two mackerel, one peach, three truffles, and a bun!

Patty. Oh! my lady gave that one to her niece, Mrs. Major-General Bunthunder.

Woodpecker. All the ground to go over again! Where does she live?

Patty. 12, Park Street, Grosvenor Square.

Woodpecker. Right! Vanish! (Exit PATTY.) My course is clear — I must be off, and leave my father-in-law and the wedding party to square matters with the Marchioness. [ Exit rapidly.

Re-enter MARCHIONESS and MAGUIRE with the MARCHIONESS'S guests.

Marchioness. Now, if you will kindly take your places, the concert will begin. Why, where's Signor Nisnardi?

Enter DUKE, leading WOODPECKER by the ear.

Duke. He was actually bolting! I napped him just as he was getting into eight cabs.

Woodpecker. No — no — you are mistaken. I had forgotten my tuning-fork, and I was going to fetch it! (Aside.) Oh, dim! dim! dim!

All. (applauding). Bravo! Bravo!

Woodpecker. (aside). This is most awkward! I'm a bad baritone! What in the world shall I sing them!

MAGUIRE sits at piano and strikes a few discords. WOODPECKER begins on a ridiculously
high note.

Bopaddy. (behind curtains.) Ladies and Gentlemen!

All. Eh! (Movement of surprise.)

Bopaddy. As the oldest friend of Maria Tapping, I beg to propose the health of the bride! (Exclamations from MARCHIONESS and her guests.)

Wedding Guests. (behind curtains.) Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

Page modified 21 June 2010