Bunthunder. Well, sir, what's all that to me, sir? Will you go, sir?

Woodpecker. Oh, I see (raising blanket), you're taking a footbath.

Bunthunder. (furious). I won't listen to you. I'm not well. I've got a headache! Who are you?

Woodpecker. Woodpecker Tapping — married this morning: the wedding party is at your
door, in eight cabs.

Bunthunder. I don't know you, sir! What do you want?

Woodpecker. Your wife.

Bunthunder. (rising). My wife! Do you know my wife?

Woodpecker. Not at all, but she possesses something that I am most anxious to purchase.

Bunthunder. We don't sell it. Will you go?

Woodpecker. Not till I've seen Mrs. Bunthunder.

Bunthunder. She's not at home. (Sings.)

Woodpecker. Nonsense, I know better! I dare say she's in here — at all events, I mean to
look.

WOODPECKER closes screen round BUNTHUNDER, concealing him from the
audience, and leaving his boots outside on his L. WOODPECKER then runs into
room R.

Bunthunder. He's a thief - he's a burglar! Wait one moment — only one moment, until I've
finished dressing!

Enter MAGUIRE L., limping.

Maguire. My son-in-law is a most remarkable person; he invites us to his house, and when he gets there, he shuts the door in our faces! Fortunately the lock didn't catch, and here I am. Now, now I shall be able to take off these confounded tight boots which have been bothering me all day.

Bunthunder. (in screen). One moment - only one moment! (Taking his trousers, which are hanging over the top of the screen.)

Maguire. Hallo, Woodpecker! He's in there. Ha! (seeing BUNTHUNDER'S boots.)
The very thing; that's uncommonly lucky! (Takes off his own boots and puts on BUNTHUNDER'S.) The very thing! (They are much too large for him.) Dear me, what a relief! (Puts his own boots by screen, where BUNTHUNDER'S were.)

Bunthunder. (reaching round screen for his boots, and takes MAGUIRE'S). Now for my boots — wait one moment — only one moment!

Maguire. I say, my boy, your wife's below.

Bunthunder. Oh, my wife's below, is she? Just one moment — I'm nearly ready!

Maguire. All right! I'll go downstairs and tell them all to come up.

Exit MAGUIRE. At the same moment enter BOPADDY.

Bunthunder. (in screen). My feet seem much swollen, I can scarcely get my boots on; but no matter. Now then! (Coming out of screen, sees BOPADDY, whom he mistakes for WOODPECKER, and swings him round.) Now, you scoundrel, I've got you!

Bopaddy. Don't — I don't want to dance — I'm quite tired out!

Bunthunder. It's not the same — it's another of the gang! (Noise heard within.) He's in
there! (Rushes off R.)

Bopaddy. Another wedding guest, and in regimentals, too! Dear, dear — Woodpecker is
certainly doing it uncommonly well!

Music, "Haste to the Wedding." Enter MAGUIRE, FOODLE, MARIA, and the
wedding party, all dancing on in couples. They dance round the stage and range
themselves at the back.

Maguire. That's right my dears — stop there, because Woodpecker hasn't quite finished
dressing — he's behind the screen, and he won't be a minute, and you mustn't look, any of you. (The screen is now open.) Woodpecker, my boy, your wife is here; and while you're completing your toilet, I'll give you both a bit of matrimonial advice, drawn from my own experience.

Page modified 21 June 2010