SCENE. — A Street, with Square in the distance. A rainy night. WOODPECKER'S house L., another house beyond it. Police-station R. A lamp C. supported by brackets from each
side of the stage. A lamp-post L.U.E. Window of first floor of police-station is practicable. Door-steps to WOODPECKER'S, a light in one window. A gutter crosses the stage.
Music, "Haste to the Wedding." Wedding party enter dancing in couples round the
stage with umbrellas up. BOPADDY politely holding umbrella over doll's head.

Maguire. (leading them). This way, my friends — this way! Hallo! look out for the gutter!
He jumps over it — all the wedding party follow, jumping over it in succession.

Maria. Oh, papa, where's Woodpecker?

Maguire. Eh? Isn't he here? Why, he has given us the slip again!

Maria. Papa dear, I'm so tired — I can't go any farther. (Sits on step of WOODPECKER'S house.)

Foodle. And my new boots hurt me so that I must sit down! (Crosses and sits by her.)

Maguire. (stamping about in Major-General's boots.) Ha, ha! so did mine, but I've changed 'em!

Maria. Oh, papa, why did you send away the cabs?

Maguire. Why? I've paid 'em eleven pounds fifteen already — isn't that enough? But
where are we?

All. I don't know!

Maria. Woodpecker told us to follow him to his house, No. 8, Little Pickleboy Gardens, Mulberry Square.

Maguire. Perhaps this is Mulberry Square. (To BOPADDY.) Your great grandfather
used to live in London — is this Mulberry Square?

Bopaddy. Yes — yes 't is — splendid — splendid weather for ducks and peas! Ha, ha! Oh, yes — for ducks and peas!

Maguire. He's doting — doting!

Enter WILKINSON, a policeman. WILKINSON sneezes.

Maguire. Here's a policeman, I'll ask him. (Very politely.) I beg your pardon, but will
you be so polite as to tell me is this is Little Pickleboy Gardens, Mulberry Square?

Wilkinson. (sternly). Move on! (Exit.)

Maguire. And I pay taxes to support that overbearing underling! I feed him, I clothe
him, I lodge him, and I pay him; and in return he tells me to move on! Insupportable bureaucrat!

Foodle. (who has climbed up lamp-post and read name of street). Hurrah! Little Pickleboy Gardens! It's all right — here we are!

Maguire. And here is No. 8. (To MARIA, who is sitting on the doorstep.) Get up, my
dear.

Maria. Papa, dear, it's no use — I must sit down somewhere.

Maguire. Not in a muddy road, in a thirty-seven and sixpenny wedding dress, my love.
Why don't they come? (Knocks.)

Foodle. There's a light on the first floor.

Maguire. Then Woodpecker must have arrived before us. (Calls.) Woodpecker!
Woodpecker!

All. Woodpecker! Woodpecker!

Enter WILKINSON, R.I.E.

Wilkinson. (to BOPADDY, who has fallen asleep on step). Now, then, can't have that noise here. (Shakes him.) Move on! Move on, will you? (Pushing his shoulder, which is muddy.)

Bopaddy. Thank you, my dear friend; don't you trouble to brush it off; I'll do that when I
go in.

Exit WILKINSON, L.U.E. JACKSON opens door of WOODPECKER'S house.

Maguire. Hurrah! Here we are! Come in!

Music commences "Haste to the Wedding" as the wedding party begin to dance into
the house.

Jackson. Stop. (All stop suddenly in arrested attitudes.) Out of the question!

Maguire. Eh?

Jackson. Impossible; more than my place is worth. Why, the lady is still upstairs! (Movement.)

Maguire. A lady! What lady?

Jackson. The lady who is stopping with master — the lady without a hat.

Maguire. A lady stopping with your master!

Foodle. On his wedding-day!

Maria. And without a hat! (Faints into FOODLE'S arms.)

Maguire. (furiously). It's off! It's off! I'll get you divorced, my dear. Foodle shall have you!

Foodle. Maria!

Maguire. Come along back to Pettytwiddllm. There's a train at eleven; we shall just catch it.

Maria. Oh, papa — papa —

Maguire. What is it my child?

Maria. (tragically). Am I never — never to see Woodpecker again?

Maguire. Never!

Maria. Woodpecker, whom I loved so fondly, and who was the very music of my little life?

Maguire. Never!

Maria. Oh, then hadn't I better take back my wedding presents?

Maguire. My dear, you're a very sensible girl. To be sure you had. (to JACKSON.) Go
and bring out all my daughter's wedding presents — mind— every one!

Exit JACKSON into house. Enter WOODPECKER, as if pursued.

All. Here is the monster!

Maguire. It's off! It's off! You — you serpent!

Woodpecker. Hold your tongue — be quiet! I hear him — he's coming!

Maguire. Who's coming?

Woodpecker. Major-General Bunthunder. (Listening). No — he's missed me — he's got tight boots and he can't run. There'll be time to get Leonora out of the house before he arrives.

Maguire. Oho! So, sir, you own to Leonora?

Woodpecker. Of course I own to Leonora!

All. Oho! He owns to Leonora!

Enter JACKSON from the house with his arms full of wedding presents, done up in
parcels.

Jackson. Here are the wedding presents.

Maguire. My friends, let us each take a parcel (JACKSON gives a parcel to each.
MAGUIRE gets the band-box given by BOPADDY in Act I.) And now off we go to Pettytwiddllm!

Woodpecker. What's all this?

Jackson. Wedding presents, sir.

Woodpecker. Oh, this won't do! Drop those things directly! (All drop their parcels.)

Maguire. Nonsense — pick them all up again!

All pick up parcels. WOODPECKER and MAGUIRE struggle for the band-box.

Bopaddy. Take care — you'll crush it! It's a Leghorn hat worth twenty pounds!

Woodpecker. What!

Bopaddy. It's my little present — I'm in the trade. I sent to Florence for it, for my little
niece!

Woodpecker. Give it here. (Takes band-box from MAGUIRE — takes out straw hat and compares it with the fragments.) Good heavens, it's the very thing! Here's the
cockatoo — and the armadillo's claw — and the mackerel — and the peach — why,
it's the very thing I've been looking for all day! (Shakes hands with BOPADDY, holding band-box under his arm).

Maguire. (aside). A hat worth twenty pounds! He sha'n't have it, the scamp! (Takes hat out of band-box unobserved, and shuts box again.)

Woodpecker. (who believes that the hat is in the box). Wait one moment — I'll give her the hat and then we'll all go in and enjoy ourselves. (Exit into house.)

Maguire. (who has watched him off). Now, my friends — off we go to Pettytwiddllm.

All going. Enter WILKINSON.

Wilkinson. Hallo! what's all this? What are you doing with these parcels?

Maguire. We — we are moving.

Wilkinson. What! at this time o'night? This won't do, you know — I know you!

Maguire. Sir!

Wilkinson. What have you got here, eh?

Maguire. That? Oh, that's a — a carriage clock.

Wilkinson. (opens muff-box and finds a muff). That's very like a carriage clock! Come along — all of yer, in yer go!

Music, "Haste to the Wedding." They all dance into station-house, except BOPADDY,
who is walking off slowly, talking to doll's head.

Bopaddy. (to doll's head). It was a nice 'ickle gal! It was a very nice 'ickle gal! Don't know
that I ever saw a nicer 'ickle gal!

Wilkinson. (coming out of station-house, crosses to BOPADDY). Now then — come along — in yer go!

WILKINSON taps BOPADDY on the shoulder, and points to station. BOPADDY
mildly expostulates, and resumes his flirtation with the doll's head. WILKINSON
seizes him roughly. BOPADDY again remonstrates. WILKINSON shakes him.
BOPADDY suddenly turns furious, flies at WILKINSON, knocks him down, seizes his truncheon, thrashes him soundly, and finally drags him off triumphantly into station.

Enter WOODPECKER, CAPTAIN BAPP, and LEONORA from house.

Woodpecker. Come along, you are saved! I've found the hat! Make haste, put it on and be off before your husband arrives. (He gives them the band-box. They open it.)

All. Empty.

Woodpecker. It was there — I'll swear it was! My old villain of a father-in-law has stolen it.
(Enter WILKINSON from station-house.) Where is my father-in-law?

Wilkinson. Where? Station-'us.

Woodpecker. And my wedding party?

Wilkinson. Station-'us. Run 'em all in. (Exit WILKINSON.)

Woodpecker. And they've got the hat! What is to be done?

Bapp. Wait a moment — I know the inspector — he'll give it to me if I explain the facts. (Exit into station-house.)

Bunthunder (without). Stop! Cabman! Hi! Put me down here!

Leonora. Heavens! my husband! I'll run and hide in your house!

Woodpecker. Not for worlds! He's coming to search it!

Leonora. But what shall I do?

Woodpecker. I know! I'll give you in charge. Hi! policeman. (Re-enter WILKINSON.)
Take this woman away. Drunk and disorderly.

Wilkinson (R. crosses to her). What, agin? Come along — I know yer! (Walks her into
station).

Enter BUNTHUNDER, hobbling.

Bunthunder. So, here you are! Open your door! I'll blow her brains out, and your brains
out, and my brains out!

Woodpecker. By all means — only take me last!

Exit BUNTHUNDER into house. CAPTAIN BAPP appears at window of
station-house, first floor.

Bapp. Quick! quick! here's the hat!

Woodpecker. Throw it out — make haste!

BAPP throws hat, which rests on the lamp — just out of reach.

Woodpecker. Confound it! (Tries to unhook it with his umbrella, but in vain.)

Re-enter BUNTHUNDER from house.

Bunthunder. She's not there! Forgive me, I've been unjust!

Woodpecker. You have. Come under my umbrella. (Takes BUNTHUNDER'S arm, and
puts up umbrella to conceal hat. They both stand under the lamp.)

Bunthunder. No, no — it doesn't rain! Put the umbrella down. It's quite fine overhead.

Woodpecker. But it's so wet underfoot.

Bunthunder. That's true. I've made a great fool of myself, sir.

Woodpecker. You have. (He jumps to unhook the hat with his umbrella, and makes
BUNTHUNDER jump too.)

Bunthunder. I apologize, sir.

Woodpecker. I think you should, sir. (Jumps.)

Bunthunder. Forgive me, sir.

Woodpecker. I do, sir. (Jumps.)

Bunthunder. What are you jumping for?

Woodpecker. Violent cramp — indigestion. Can't help it — always takes me so.

Bunthunder. Indeed! Have you tried — (WOODPECKER jumps again and comes down on BUNTHUNDER'S toes.) Don't, sir! I won't be trodden on by bridegrooms!

Enter LEONORA from station, followed by MAGUIRE, BOPADDY, and all the guests
— one of whom unhooks the hat, which falls to the ground.

Maguire. It's all right — it's all right! The Captain has squared the Inspector, and we
leave the Court without a stain on our characters! Oh, it's a great country!

Page modified 21 June 2010