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No. 20: DUET (Duke & Duchess)
"To help unhappy commoners"
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Duke. |
To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment; Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative: The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative. |
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Duchess. |
I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety — |
Duke. |
Doubtful propriety. |
Duchess. |
When Virtue would quash her, I take and whitewash her, And launch her in first-rate society — |
Duke. |
First-rate society! |
Duchess. |
I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers — Their fit and their finishing touches — |
Duke. |
Their finishing touches. |
Duchess. |
A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess — |
Duke. |
They make for the Duchess! |
Duke. |
Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel — |
Duchess. |
Their great double-barrel — |
Duke. |
I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel — |
Duchess. |
Such wearing apparel! |
Duke. |
I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble — |
Duchess. |
All Companies bubble! |
Duke. |
As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted-- I'm pretty well paid for my trouble — |
Duchess. |
He's paid for his trouble! |
Duchess. |
At middle-class party I play at écarté — And I'm by no means a beginner — |
Duke. (significantly) |
She's not a beginner. |
Duchess. |
To one of my station The remuneration — Five guineas a night and my dinner — |
Duke. |
And wine with her dinner. |
Duchess. |
I write letters blatant On medicines patent — And use any other you mustn't — |
Duke. |
Believe me, you mustn't — |
Duchess. |
And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap — which it doesn't — |
Duke. (significantly) |
It certainly doesn't! |
Duke. |
We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment — |
Duchess. |
A place or preferment. |
We're often in waiting At junket or fêting, And sometimes attend an interment — |
Duke. |
We enjoy an interment. |
Both. |
In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches — Yes; into your clutches. Or hoodwink a debtor, You cannot do better |
Duchess. |
Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess, |
Duke. |
A Duke |
Both. |
Or a Duchess! |
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Page Created 17 October, 2005