Cox. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception of your meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared - the suit of clothes was found -

Box. Exactly - and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the waistcoat, or the pantaloons - I forget which - there was also found a piece of paper, with these affecting farewell words:- “This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann!”

Cox. Penelope Ann! (starts up, takes BOX by the arm and leads him slowly to front of stage) Penelope Ann?

Box. Penelope Ann!

Cox. Originally widow of William Wiggins?

Box. Widow of William Wiggins!

Cox. Proprietor of bathing machines?

Box. Proprietor of bathing machines!

Cox. At Margate?

Box. Ramsgate!

Cox. It must be she! And you, sir - you are Box - the lamented, long lost Box?

Box. I am!

Cox. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you so cruelly deceived.

Box. Ah! then you are Cox!

Cox. I am!

Box. I heard of it. I congratulate you - I give you joy! and now I think I’ll go and take a stroll. (going)

Cox. No you don’t! (stopping him) I’ll not lose sight of you till I’ve restored you to the arms of your intended.

Box. My intended? You mean your intended.

Cox. No, sir - yours!

Box. How can she be my intended, now that I am drowned?

Cox. You’re no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you to Penelope Ann. Permit me, then, to follow the generous impulse of my nature - I give her up to you.

Box. Benevolent being! I wouldn’t rob you for the world. (going) Good morning, sir!

Cox. (seizing him) Stop!

Box. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the lion!

Cox. Pooh! (snapping his fingers in BOX’S face)

Box. An insult! to my very face - under my very nose! (rubbing it) You know the consequences, sir - instant satisfaction, sir!

Cox. With all my heart, sir! (they go to fireplace R., and begin ringing bells violently, and pull down bell pulls)

Both. Bouncer! Bouncer!

BOUN. runs in, D.L.C., all three sing “Rataplan” and stop in the middle.

Bouncer. What is it. gentlemen?

Box. Pistols for two!

Bouncer. Yes, sir. (going)

Cox. Stop! You don’t mean to say, thoughtless and misguided militiaman, that you keep loaded firearms in the house.

Bouncer. Oh, no - they’re not loaded.

Cox. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly. (Exit BOUN. L.C.)

Box. I say, sir!

Cox. Well, sir!

Box. What’s your opinion of duelling, sir?

Cox. I think it’s a barbarous practice, sir.

Box. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don’t so much object to it when the pistols are not loaded.

Cox. No; I dare say that does make some difference.

Box. And yet, sir - on the other hand - doesn’t it strike you as rather a waste of time, for two people to keep firing pistols at one another, with nothing in ’em.

Cox. No, sir - no more than any other harmless recreation.

Box. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?

Cox. Because, as I’ve already observed, I can’t abide her. You’ll be happy with her.

Box. Happy? me? With the consciousness that I have deprived you of such a treasure? No, no, Cox!

Cox. Don’t think of me, Box - I shall be sufficiently rewarded by the knowledge of my Box’s happiness.

Box. Don’t be absurd, sir.

Cox. Then don’t you be ridiculous, sir.

Box. I won’t have her!

Cox. No more will I!

Box. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady - eh, Mr. Cox?

Cox. That’s fair enough, Mr. Box.

Box. Or, what say you to dice?

Cox. With all my heart! Dice by all means. (eagerly)

Box. (aside) That’s lucky! Bouncer’s nephew left a pair here yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones. (goes to cupboard at R., and brings out dice-box)

Cox. (aside) I’ve no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound seventeen and sixpence at last Barnet Races, to a very gentlemanly looking man, who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes. I suspected they were loaded, so I gave him another half-crown and he gave me the dice. (takes dice out of his pocket - uses lucifer box as substitute for dice-box, which is on the table)

Box. Now then, sir!

Cox. I’m ready, sir! (they seat themselves at opposite sides of the table) Will you lead off, sir?

Box. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope Ann?

Cox. Of course, sir!

Box. Very well, sir!

Cox. Very well, sir! (BOX rattling dice and throwing.)