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Dialogue following No. 27.
Enter Lord Lieutenant and Countess. The Soldiers range themselves in rank.
Here truly's military expedition
That sets out after rebels and arrives
Before them. We are first upon the field.
At English history, I do not know
Of any Queen who, on the eve of battle,
Kissed every single soldier in the ranks!
And our posterity shall hear of it -
From me.
Enter Bunn, unnoticed.
He comes down reluctantly, Bunn by his side, hidden from Countess and Lord Lieutenant. The Soldiers gradually exeunt by the closing step.
As Countess and Lord Lieutenant go aside, Sergeant bends down and Bunn whispers to him.
That you intend to kiss the soldiers on
Their foreheads?
You give the debutantes at Drawing Rooms.
Of powder - which goes off when I discharge
That canon of my duty.
Gracefully, like a willow, from the waist?
I cannot reach your brow unless you do.
Bunn, standing behind Sergeant, nudges him.
From Debbenshire I came;
My parents be 'ard-working vokes
An' I be just the zame.
An' tha vly, ha, ha!
Tha vly, ha, ha!
Tha vly be on tha turmits,
An' tez awl my eye vur me tu try
To keep min off tha turmits.
He thinks that we asked him to recite
Some poem of his childhood.
I cannot kiss your forehead as you are.
Avore the break of day,
That I tuked up my turmit haw
An' tridged dree miles away.
My Elocution Classes, but to-night
The Countess wishes -
I tuked it by the job;
An' ef I 'ad my time again
I'd zunder go to quad.
An' tha vly, ha, ha!
Tha vly, ha, ha!
Tha vly be on tha turmits,
An' tez awl my eye vur me tu try
To keep min off tha turmits.
And a few delights in mawing,
But ov all tha trades that I like best,
Gie me tha turmit hawing.
My Chaplain is approaching; he is stout
Though staunch, and lagged behind; he'll prove to you
That fairies can't exist. Come, Dr. Fiddle.
Enter Dr. Fiddle. He is panting.
A learned Doctor of Divinity,
And not a grampus.
I want you, if you please, or if you don't,
To preach your sermon to this gentleman,
Who thinks this place is haunted. I perceive
That to your faults of literary style
The Countess has already shut her eyes -
As I will do, I promise you. Begin.
Lord Lieutenant sits and prepares to slumber.
This sermon I intended for to-morrow,
In which I deal with vulgar superstitions
So rife among the peasantry of Ireland.
This sermon providentially I carry
In my tail pocket - it is somewhat bulky,
For I have made it thoroughly exhaustive -
In fact, it is a question which will be, sir,
The most exhausted when the sermon's ended -
Myself, my subject, or my congregation.
The subject I divide into ten headings,
Each heading into twenty sub-divisions,
Bristling with arguments and long statistics,
Which prove entirely to my satisfaction,
And will, I think, to yours, when you have heard them,
That there are not, have never been, and cannot
At any future time be in existence
Such things as Fairies, Pixies, Nymphs, or Brownies,
Hobgoblins, Gnomes, or other apparitions.
And I myself am also satisfied
There are no rebels here.
That anyone in Ireland -
Against the Lord Lieutenant. So I think (producing the anonymous letter)
The man who wrote this letter telling me
Of rebels is the first, the very first
And only man who ever tried to hoax
The Lord Lieutenant. He shall be the last!
A thousand guineas is the sum I offer
For his discovery, or information
That leads to it!
The thousand guineas.
That I will shoot all rebels that I catch.
You, in this letter, prove that you are one.
Enough, let him be shot at twice, or thrice -
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them!
He is carried off by Sergeant. Enter Molly and Murphy.
Men and girls begin to enter.
Soldiers enter.
Soldiers prepare their muskets. Enter Terence.
Terence stands out. Susan runs across and throws herself into his arms, between him and the Soldiers.
Enter Rosie.
Yourself, can you inform me who he is?
Whom love has crowned my King.
Apart from being daughter of a Viceroy,
Remember you're of ten times royal birth;
For, as is generally now the case
Among the English aristocracy,
Some of the richest if not the bluest blood
Of all America flows in your veins.
Your ancestors (upon the other side)
Comprise two Railway Kings, a Copper Queen,
And half-a-dozen Pork-pie Potentates.
The democratic principles that must
Lie in your blood with such an ancestry
Will prompt you, I am sure, to love a Lord,
And no one else. Release my daughter, sir.
Who are sons of the Kings of Erin!
That fact removes the first objection which
I have to you as a husband for my daughter.
But one objection still remains; 'tis one
Which is, I fear, quite insurmountable.
I cannot let my daughter marry one
Who has been shot for treason - as you will
Be shot in half an hour. I think that you
Will understand that this is impossible.
Bunn has been brought on.
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Page Modified 8 October, 2004