Dialogue following No. 13

REGENT (changing his manner — very humbly). I trust I’ve fairly carried out your Excellency’s instructions?

GRIFFENFELD. You’ve done pretty well, sir — only pretty well!

REGENT. May I ask in what respect I have failed?

GRIFFENFELD. Your manner is not sufficiently dignified for a Royal Prince — you want a great deal more of this sort of thing — (business) — you are not at all Royal, sir!

REGENT. I see what you mean. (Imitating him.) Thank you, I’m sure — it will be most useful to me in my profession, and I’ll take care to remember it. But pray bear in mind that, as a poor stroller, I have not enjoyed your Excellency’s many opportunities of making myself acquainted with the deportment of the very highest classes.

GRIFFENFELD. True, but I told you this afternoon that you must endeavour to assume an air of — of this sort of thing — (business). Then again, your instructions were to order me to be shot in twenty-four hours. Why didn’t you do that?

REGENT. Well, I was about to give the order, but when I saw the temper of the people and how cordially you are detested — most unjustly, I’m sure — I was afraid to do so lest, in their fury, they should execute the order on the spot.

GRIFFENFELD. I see what you mean.

REGENT. I might not have had time to stop them.

GRIFFENFELD. Very true.

REGENT. But it’s not too late — they can be sent for directly and the order given, without delay. (About to go off.)

GRIFFENFELD. No — on second thoughts it’s not necessary. It will do as it is.

REGENT. I trust you think I exercised a wise discretion?

GRIFFENFELD. Well, on the whole, perhaps yes. I say — it’s — it’s a good joke, isn’t it?

REGENT. It’s a perfect monument of practical humour. Only — forgive the suggestion — isn’t it a little risky?

GRIFFENFELD. Risky? What do you mean?

REGENT. Somehow these practical jokes have such a tendency to recoil on the heads of their perpetrators. Now, mere verbal humour is so much safer — a quip, a crank, a jibe, jape or jest ——

GRIFFENFELD. Nonsense, sir, don’t talk to me about japes and jests! Return to the Castle, and when you’ve resumed your rags, I will pay you the golden Friedrichs I promised you. Be off!

REGENT. As your Excellency pleases. (Exit REGENT into Castle.)

GRIFFENFELD. What does he mean about practical jokes recoiling on their perpetrator? I ought to know. I’ve played them with impunity for five-and-forty years! It’s all very well to talk about verbal humour, but where is it to come from? Why, everything of the kind has been said — there’s absolutely nothing left!