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Foodle. (looking off). Oh, uncle, uncle! look here!
During the dialogue that follows BOPADDY has been much fascinated with the two
milliner's dolls' heads, flirting first with one, then with the other, as if unable to
make up
his mind which of them he prefers.
Maguire. What! my son-in-law elect kissing a young woman! It's off! It's off! Foodle, my
daughter is yours!
Foodle. Maria! (putting his arms round her).
Enter WOODPECKER C. from R.
Woodpecker. Why in the world haven't you gone back to your cabs?
Maguire. Sir, it's off! It's off!
Woodpecker. Very good.
Maguire. You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
Woodpecker. What have I done?
Maguire. You dare to ask that when I saw you through that door with a young woman in
your arms!
Woodpecker. (aside). He saw me! (Aloud). I admit it, sir!
Maria. (crying). He owns to it!
All. (crying). He owns to it!
Foodle. My darling! (embracing MARIA).
Woodpecker. Will you stop that hugging?
Foodle. She's my cousin — we were brought up together.
Maguire. It's quite allowable — she's his cousin.
Woodpecker. His cousin? Oh, then, the lady I was embracing was my cousin!
All. Oh indeed — that's quite another matter!
Maguire. It's on again! Foodle, my boy, it's on again!
Foodle. (relinquishing MARIA). Old teetotum!
Maguire. Introduce me to your cousin - I'll invite her to the wedding.
Woodpecker. (aside). Bella at Maria's wedding! (Aloud). It's of no use — she can't come — she's in mourning.
Maguire. What, in a pink dress?
Woodpecker. Yes — it's for her husband.
Maguire. (convinced). Oh — well, we're quite ready, sir, when you are (to CRIPPS).
All sit in a row opposite desk.
Woodpecker. What are they doing?
Cripps. I really must make a complete change. I'll go into the next room — there's no one
there. (Going towards the door R. with his dry clothes under his arm.)
Maguire. Where are you going?
Cripps. I shall catch my death of cold if I don't — I really can't help it — you must excuse me. [Exit door R.
Maguire. My friends, let us follow the Registrar.
Music. They all dance after CRIPPS in couples, BOPADDY last, with one of the doll's
heads, kissing his hand to the others. Off R.
Woodpecker. Where the deuce are they all going?
Enter BELLA C. from R.
Bella. Here's your specimen (giving remains of hat). I'm very sorry, but I can't match it.
Woodpecker. What!
Bella. If you like to wait three weeks I can get you one from Florence.
Woodpecker. Three weeks!
Bella. I only know of one like it in London.
Woodpecker. I buy it — mind, I buy it.
Bella. Impossible! I sold it a week ago to —
Woodpecker. To whom?
Bella. The Marchioness of Market Harborough! (Exit.)
Woodpecker. This is pleasant! A Marchioness! I can't call on a Marchioness and ask her how much she wants for her hat!
Enter CRIPPS, with his dry clothes under his arm, pursued by the wedding party
dancing
as before, BOPADDY last, with the doll's head. They exeunt after CRIPPS.
Music forte while they are on — pianissimo when they are off.
Woodpecker. Hi! Mr. Maguire, where are you going? (Is about to follow.)
Enter JACKSON.
Jackson. Sir, I've just come from home.
Woodpecker. Well, is the Captain there still?
Jackson. Yes, he's there, but he ain't still. The lady has fainted, and can't leave the house.
Woodpecker. Wrap her up in a blanket and send her home at once! (Exit JACKSON.) I must
have this hat at any rate. (Refers to Blue Book.) The Marchioness of Market
Harborough — Carlton Gardens. I'll get married first, and then I'll call on her. But
what shall I do with the wedding party? I know. I'll shut 'em up in the Duke of
York's Column. I'll say to the keeper, "I engage this Column for twenty-four hours — let no one out." (Exit.)
Enter CRIPPS, with his dry clothes, very breathless.
Cripps. (spoken over music). Why the deuce do the people follow me everywhere? It's
impossible for me to change my clothes!
Enter all the wedding party as before. Music forte. CRIPPS runs round the stage and
off, followed by the wedding party, BOPADDY last, with the doll's head. He is much
exhausted with running.
END OF ACT I
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Page modified 21 June 2010